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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25120600">all reason flown, as God looks on in abject apathy</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flavortext/pseuds/Flavortext'>Flavortext</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Friends at the Table (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Im too scared to start spring so i looked over the transcripts for the bouey arc and made myself sad, i just think they deserve some comfort</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:00:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25120600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flavortext/pseuds/Flavortext</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The whole point of a lack, Adaire thinks (she's not sure), is that you can't just turn around and get it. You can't just ask and recieve. It's a problem without a solution. She thinks. She's not sure. She can't ask. She doesn't know what to do anymore. Hella can't look her in the eyes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adaire Ducarte/Hella Varal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all reason flown, as God looks on in abject apathy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hehe this is my 69th work.... nice</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Adaire lays in her bed, arms crossed, and counts the boards of the ceiling. She’s not sure what time it is, too far past dinner to hope that there’d be something left, definitely, but not too late that she can’t hear people talking throughout the inn. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She’s sulking and she knows it, and she doesn’t really have a justification. She’s just bitter. They’ve been here, trying to figure out the Bouey, for a few days now. She’s sick of it. She doesn’t know why she’s still here, with these people, but she doesn’t want to leave, either. She’s mad because she tried to show Hella her map of the layers and she barely looked over from her drink. She’s mad because Hella </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> really looks at her, not straight on, at least. She’s mad that Hadrian and Thorondir know what’s going on and she- she </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And no one will explain it to her. So she’s sulking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s a knock at her door. Adaire sits up slowly, groggy even though she hadn’t been sleeping, and rubs her face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come in,” She hopes its- she doesn’t know. She’s definitely relieved to see it’s Hella, though. The tall woman has to duck through the doorway, carefully nudging the door closed with her hip, hands supporting a little tray of food. She looks off past Adaire and holds it out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Leftovers,” She mutters, not coldly but not very warm, either. Adaire sighs and gets off her bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks,” She crosses the room, brushes her hand against Hella’s as she takes the tray. Hella doesn’t react. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The fish is really good.” Hella comments, not moving to leave. Adaire looks at it, frowning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want it, stay, you can eat some.” She puts the tray on the little table and pulls it over to the bed, patting the spot next to her for Hella. Hella stands there awkwardly for a moment, and then jolts herself into moving, and sits stiffly next to Adaire. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t come down,” Hella says slowly, looking at her hands. Adaire takes the fork and scoops some potatoes into her mouth. They’re good, but she’s not really hungry. She cuts off a bit of fish and glances at Hella. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I didn’t.” She says, offering the fork. Hella’s shoulder bumps hers as she takes it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We worried. Thorondir said you were upset when he saw you earlier.” She says, not quite done chewing the fish. She hands the fork back. Adaire stabs a potato with a little too much force. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eh, I was. It’s fine.” She waves a hand and is surprised when Hella catches it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If something is wrong, I want you to tell me?” She ends it in a question like she isn’t sure if she actually does. It makes Adaire’s stomach twist. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I will, next time something’s wrong, then.” She snaps back, pulling her hand away. Hella flinches. Adaire drops her fork. “Sorry.” She sighs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can go.” Hella doesn’t move, but she’s looking at the door. Adaire pushes the table away, makes room between them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just- confused. Mad. Tired.” Adaire says. She feels the words bubble on her tongue, and they spill over before she can stop them. “What’s your lack?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Hella blinks at her. Adaire watches her like a hawk. Hella still isn’t meeting her eyes, but she is looking at her face. That’s a start. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” Hella says slowly. She sounds like she might, but Adaire doesn’t really want to press. Hella opens her mouth and then closes it. Finally, she asks, “What’s yours?” Adaire bites her lip. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A true connection. That’s what I said, at least.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” Hella’s eyes are impossible to read. “Are you gonna...work on that?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Adaire can’t help it, she laughs. It’s so- it’s so stupid. It’s insensitive and she can’t even be </span>
  <em>
    <span>mad</span>
  </em>
  <span> because she knows Hella doesn’t mean it that way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know how,” Adaire says, shrugging. Hella’s eyes follow the motion of her shoulders. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What even, is that?” Hella says a tone of self-deprecation Adaire can easily pick up on. She’s trying to be funny, she thinks. It’s falling flat, but Adaire appreciates the effort. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Obviously I wouldn’t know.” Adaire retorts. Hella’s lips twitch into a smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you have more connections than you think.” She says softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“More isn’t necessarily the same thing,” Adaire says softly. Hella’s face falls, and she nods. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you have me. I don’t know how true that is, but.” Hella shrugs, looks at her hands again. Adaire lets out a sharp breath. It’s- it’s nice to hear. She doesn’t really think Hella means it, but she thinks she </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants</span>
  </em>
  <span> to. And Adaire wants her to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I just want to solve this and-” Adraire can’t finish the sentence, because she </span>
  <em>
    <span>doesn’t know</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to forget about all this,” Hella says, and Adaire knows she means it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wish you’d never started?” Adaire says with a sigh. Hella nods. Her hand goes from her lap to her sword hilt, instinctually. Adaire reaches out and pulls it away, sets Hella’s broad fingers in her lap, amongst the folds of her wrinkled skirt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There have been good times, but, yeah,” Hella says very softly. Her fingers curl a little. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope I’m counted in that,” Adaire says playfully. Hello glances up, into her eyes for half a second. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, more good times since meeting you.” She says. Adaire smiles. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this, though.” She adds. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could leave anytime.” Adaire lies. Hella frowns, staring at where Adaire’s fingers brush her own. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going to.” Adaire means it. Hella nods, still frowning. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” Adaire puts her hand over Hella’s. Hella’s fingers twitch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should go.” Hella doesn’t move, though. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to,” Adaire says quietly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t have to do anything,” Hella says. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re Hella Varal, you don’t have to do anything.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right.” Adaire sucks in a breath. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to-” Adaire ducks in and kisses her cuts her off. She doesn’t know what Hella was going to say, at all, but she knows what </span>
  <em>
    <span>she</span>
  </em>
  <span> wants. She knows Hella won’t give it to her unless she asks for it. Hella sucks in a breath and kisses her back. She’s too stiff. Adaire pulls away first. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Um,” Hella says. Her hand has turned into a fist in Adaire’s skirts. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can I get you to forget for a while?” Adaire asks gently. Hella looks at her again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure you could, yeah.” She’s flushed. It looks good on her. Adaire smirks and tugs at the front of Hella’s shirt. She goes willingly, collapsing over Adaire as she leans back against her pillows. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They let themselves forget. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thanks for reading!! I will finish spring after C/w and I'm sure I will write more of these two then..... &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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